Valentines Day Advice – Red, Smelly and Dead
February 10, 2010 in HUMOUR
This time of year is very busy for me. With only about 4 days to go until Valentines Day I find many men coming to me for advice on the perfect present. You are probably not surprised by this as it has been said that I have a grasp on the language of love equal to Shakespears grasp of english. I would tend to agree so am willing to give a little Valentines present buying advice for all the men out there.
Basically I go by three simple rules when buying presents for my Valentine. It must be red, it must smell and must be dead within 2 weeks. Most men are suprised by this simplistic formula but it has worked for me in all my years of Valentines buying. That is why red roses are the ultimate gift – they are red, smell and are dead after 2 weeks. Other gifts coming under this category include red chocolates, a red vivid, red wine and of cource my favourite a bowl of red jelly.
A word of warning however to those men who think they can short cut this process by just having two of the rules. You do this at your peril . Going with the first two and you have something red and smelly, which is most probably your underwear. Not the best gift to bring about romance. Alternativley going for something smelly and dead usually requires an animal and I would stick well clear of that as a present option otherwise you may get Simon Bridges on your case and end up in prison.
A real trick for young players in the Valentines game is the temptation to buy something in the novelty line. Speaking from experience, not mine but my brother in law, this is not a good option. The web is full of novelty ideas for this type of consumer driven day and I urge you to rsist at all costs. Sure some of them look good but in the end they only spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
The problem with novelty items is that they appear so logical that they capture your attention and usually hit on a personal weakness. This happened to me last year when I was searching for the perfect gift for my wife. Being a runner I enjoy using my GPS to measure my distance and speed. Imagine my delight when I found the Chasity Belt Lingerie with GPS. Immediately this caught my attention and I was about to enter my card details when a well timed lightning strike short circuited my computer and saved the day. Upon reflection I wondered how I could be so stupid, I already know perfectly well that GPS doesn’t work in the bedroom, although the heart rate monitor does.
Other novelty gifts I suggest you stay away from this year include
HAND HUGGERS - They might be red but dont be fooled into buying this rubbish
HEART SHAPED HOT_TUB - The less siad about this as a valentine gift the better.
- TWO – DA – LOO – It seems so logical but dont be fooled. Within days you will be fighting of over the paper.