Kiwi Kids Books

One of the interesting aspects about having children is trying to find out which traits are from you and which are form your spouse. The traits from our two boys are easy to attribute to the appropriate parent. Our oldest boy has long blond curly hair, the colour from his mother and curls from their father. Our second boy actually most resembles my wife’s side of the family, especially their granddad. Pleasingly, life’ important qualities have been passed on from the correct parent. Both boys get their cute smile from their mum and their sense of humour from their dad!!

However, there is one trait they that my children have got off their mother which they wont thank her for. That is the art of snoring. Last night my wife went to bed slightly earlier than me. When I went to bed, I had the pleasure of walking down the hallway to check on the boys. Both boys were happily asleep playing their own nasal melody. My wife was also deep asleep doing the same thing. The noise from each individual snorer was impressive. At one point I though I could even open up each of their bedrooms and the three of them could have performed a snore along. I stood there in my dressing gown wondering if at some very deep level the three of them were actually communicating.

While they may have been communicating the stark reality is that there are few things in life worse than sleeping next to a snorer. Pleasingly, my wife’s snoring volume rises in direct proportion to her pregnancy situation. When she was pregnant with both boys the whole house shock like a full hotel. However, things have settled down now to a much more manageable tone. When people ask will we be having any more kids, it is not the lack of sleep or the financial pressure putting me off it is another nine months trying to get to sleep beside a baritone snore that worries me.

You can probably remember a time in your life when you have been in the midst of a snorer. I distinctly remember two times in my live when snorers have almost driven me to the brink of despair.
The first was a couple of years ago when I was completing an adventure running race. One of the occupants in our tent of 8 was both an Englishman and a snorer. If ever there was a bad mix this was it. He was inevitably the first to get to sleep and the noise became so unbearable for us all that the Irish runner in our tent went and woke him up and started yelling at him in the middle of the night. His rational was pure Irish logic.
“If he is snoring he is at 100% comfort level and we are at 20% comfort level. By waking him up he drops down to 50% and we rise to 50% and everyone is even.
I remember the snoring stopping after that but that was probably due to him being so scared after his verbal barrage he couldn’t get back to sleep.

The other time was a couple of years ago when I was on a school camp. I had heard rumours about one particular parent who was apparently the ‘worst snorer ever’. Well this turned out to be an understatement. This guy was an absolute shocker. I came to bed late after putting a girl in the middle of the freezing playing field at 11:30pm and then forgetting about her. She had been talking and I was just a little grumpy as this was only the first night of camp. Upon returning to the room I heard the snoring but didn’t think it was that bad. But oh how wrong was I. Each nasal inhale almost sucked in stray debris from the floor and I actually had to hold onto the side of the bunk while his exhale swirled around the room. In a situation like this the snoring actually takes on a life of its own. I tried ever trick in the book to muffle the sound but in the end the only option was to sleep in the main hall. And that is really the main problem I have with snorers. They always win in the end. It is always their behaviour which causes the other people to be uncomfortable.

So what is the answer you may ask? For me there is only one simple way to deal with a snorer. You have to attack them in their area of strength. Deep in my wife’s pregnancy I tried all options for a few hours of silence but none works best then pinching the offender’s nose. Hold it for as long as needed until they are snapped out of their sleep. You are basically starving them of precious air and therefore startling them into waking up. Then quickly before they realise what has happened you need to pretend that you are asleep. The last thing you want at 3am in the morning is a debate about who is doing the snoring. This process may need to be repeated a few times to get the subliminal messages across to your spouse but over time it does work.