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I never intended this blog to be a tell all depiction about my wife and my bedroom secrets. This blog is almost two years old and I am proud of the fact that I have not written about that topic nor farting. Sadly that will change as I feel it is time to share with you some of the bedroom difficulties my wife and I have had as we celebrate our 6^th year of marriage in exactly a weeks time.

Basically as I reflect all of our problems they can be categorized under the heading ownership. All of our problems and arguments stem from this reason. Firstly, there is duvet ownership. This has been a big problem in our marriage. In the cooler winter months, the duvet, like in any bedroom, is a life raft of comfort. It is a source of warmth, comfort and security. However, due to the fact most beds only have one it can be a highly sort after commodity. Seldom has a winter’s night gone by with some sort of battle for ownership. There is pulling, tugging and at times the ‘BATTLE OF THE BLANKET’ can resemble a war zone. My wife has developed a particularly effective technique which I have termed the ‘Mandias Roll’. This is where my wife will tightly grip the duvet with her hands and then vigorously roll over on her side of the bed. This causes the entire duvet to be forced around her body and onto her side. Last winter we actually ripped a duvet when we both simultaneously attempted this move.

The next form of ownership that we have had to deal with is to do with actual bed space. We currently have a Queen Size bed which you would think would be adequate for two average sized humans. Cut the bed in half and we each approximately get an area 210cm by 95cm, which would be perfectly, acceptable under most circumstances. Out of courtesy for my partner I sleep according to these dimensions, using the traditional ‘soldier position’. My wife does not. She uses a variety of positions ranging from the ‘starfish’ to the ‘bomb’. Her favourite however, is the traditional fetal position with her knees tucked up under my armpits. This is the position favoured by 41% of the population and 51% of women. The geographically minded of you will realize this essentially leaves a large square of bed below my wife’s feet that has never been used. I call this the ‘Australian Outback’ of our bed. It is a vast waste less landmass uninhabited by anyone.

Whatever position my wife decides on the reality is that my around 2am she has gravitated to the middle of the bed and pushed me to the outskirts. Some nights my 95cm width is reduced to a mere 15cm of mattress space without anything resembling a duvet. With these circumstances it is not surprising that most nights end with me having less than adequate number of hours asleep. Most nights conclude with me either shivering uncontrollably due to having no warmth or hanging dangerously over the edge of the bed as I search for an area free of bony knees. Things have got so bad that I have thought about borrowing some climbing equipment from a friend and harnessing myself to the bed posts as a safety precaution if I should find myself pushed out beyond my coastal strip.

As a little research for this posts I found some rather alarming facts regarding sharing a bed with a husband or wife. Firstly it has been scientifically proven that sharing a bed drains a man’s brain power. Sharing a bed with someone could temporarily reduce your brain power – at least if you are a man – Austrian scientists suggest. When men spend the night with a bed mate their sleep is disturbed, whether they make love or not, and this impairs their mental ability the next day. The lack of sleep also increases a man’s stress hormone levels. According to the New Scientist study, women who share a bed fare better because they sleep more deeply.

Secondly, it has been scientifically proven that sharing a bed is bad for your health. Couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health and relationship, say experts.Sleep specialist Dr Neil Stanley told the British Science Festival how bed sharing can cause rows over snoring and duvet-hogging and robs precious sleep. One study found that, on average, couples suffered 50% more sleep disturbances if they shared a bed. Dr Stanley, who sleeps separately from his wife, points out that historically we were never meant to share our beds. He said the modern tradition of the marital bed only began with the industrial revolution, when people moving to overcrowded towns and cities found themselves short of living space.

As this post comes to an end I don’t want you to get the idea that I don’t contribute to problems within our bedroom. I also don’t want you to think that as a male I just sit back and hand over my corner of the duvet and my plot of mattress without a fight. Oh no I battle back with full artillery and I battle back with force. I use a mans best friend in my battle – sweat and farting. 

Personally I am in favour of farting in the winter months. In particular I am a fan of the Dutch Oven. While it can be time-consuming the results are nothing less than spectacular. It basically involves blowing wind under the covers several times and building up stench while Mrs Mandias is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed, then when she gets into bed, I pull the covers over her head and yell “Dutch Oven” and let her enjoy the stench of my gas for at least 30 seconds. Alternatively it can be used as an excellent wedding anniversary present.

WIFE: What did you get me for our anniversary?
HUSBAND: Hold on…wait a minute…I got something….DUTCH OVEN!!!!

In the summer months a different tactic is required to find a little space within the bed. I am in favour of using the tools at your disposal and in summer the oppressive heat must be seen as a positive. Usually in the summer months the duvet, even a Farmer’s summer weight job, can actually be a bit of a burden and end up on the floor. Instead I often grab the duvet and wrap myself up like a giant hotdog for a couple of minutes. This produces sauna like sweating that no woman in her right mind likes to be a part of and I find when I am at my sweating best, usually in January and February it is my wife who is borrowing the climbing gear and hanging off HER side of the bed.

So there you have it. I have finally come clean about the bedroomantics of Ozy Mandias and in doing so touched on the two subjects I have done so well to avoid over the last 2 years. While definatley not the standard and gossip levels of a Tiger Woods exclusive, I have revealed some very personal truths today. Let’s just hope that Mrs Mandias doesn’t read this post.