Kiwi Kids Books

Buttocks, butt, backside, bum, buns, hind end, posterior, rear end, rump, stern, seat, tail, tail end, tooshie, tush, bottom and behind are the usual descriptions of your bottom. Sadly when describing my backside the adjective ‘soft’ should now be used as the major descriptor.

Yes you read correctly, apparently, I have a soft, weak hindquarters. Now to most of you this will come as a complete shock. You have probably looked at my rear end with envy. Don’t worry you are just one among many who have done this. On the facade my rock solid frame is easily catered for by a foundation of two rock hard buttocks. However, it turns out that appearances can fool even the best your eyes have to offer.

Following my rather disappointing run last week in the Rotorua Marathon I have had to have had a few sessions with the physio. It turns out that my dodgy calf muscle is actually a result of having weak glute muscles. While I was disappointed at my marathon effort I will be honest and say that a bigger disappointment was the verdict of my physio after prodding my backside with her finger.

“Dear me…..your gluts are soft.”

Taken back by such an honest verdict I clenched my sphincter muscles as best I could.

“Could you try again.” I asked between clinched teeth.

“Nope…still soft as marshmallows.”

Some of you will be wondering were this post is going and to be honest I don’t know. But what I do know is that when faced with honest evaluation of my physical appearance I take action. Most people would shrink into their shells with such brutal honestly. Not me. I use such words as fuel to the fire of self determination and have already implemented a very tough personal regime.

Firstly, I have started clicking on a number of those ‘fitness ads’ that pop up on my computer screen. You know the ones. Sometimes they are embedded within a website while at others times they are part of the ‘google ad’ bar. While the actual information is rather useless the continual clicking of my right hand on the mouse is actually benefiting my right hand buttock.

Secondly, I have started to clinch my buttocks together as often as possible throughout the day. I read on the Internet, after clicking on a link, that this is an effective way of developing your glute muscles. So whenever I am sitting, standing or even walking I am clenching and releasing as quickly as possible. In order to keep my mind on the job I actually play a little game with myself which I call CPM (clinches per minute). Over the last week I have done some testing and the stats are rather impressive. When sitting I can clinch at an average of 25 CPM while my best standing up is around 18 CPM. Earlier today I was on a roll while talking to my sister in law at my son’s birthday party. She was talking about her ipod touch, while I was in what they call the ‘clinchers zone’, averaging a dizzy 32 CPM. Unfortunately my great run was cut short by having to ask a question and then having to deal with an over tired son.

Some detractors out there may snigger at my rather haphazard techniques and wonder if my stats are true. Hand on heart left buttock my numbers are true and I know this because I have actually set up an amazing little contraption to help with my counting. Early on I found it hard to stand, continue conversation and count all at the same time. Something needed to change and being a man of ideas it came quickly. Don’t tell my wife but I have actually taken one of her ‘walking pedometers’ and taped it to my left cheek.  After a few initial problems with poor sticky tape, things are much better and my little device registers each contraction like a perfect metronome.