Today has been coming for a long time and despite knowing it was approaching I am still bitterly disappointed. Gutted. Anoyed and a little depressed. That is because I am resigned to the fact that firstly I am getting old and secondly the younger generation is now far superior than me.

First up I have noticed over the last couple of weeks an increased amount of body hair in certain strategic places around my body. In response to this my body has started to balance this process by thinning hair in other places. I noticed this last night as I SKYPED a mate in Aussie. I had the niffty video system working and couldn’t belive the image of me that buzzed around the screen. Since earlier that morning my forehead had grown to Homer Simpson proportions and it dominated my 17 inch screen. My hair is basically a receeding tide of whisps and bumfluff. I tried as best as I could to invent a quick comb-over, but nothing seemed to work. In desparation I turned off the video system.

Sadly while I am losing hair in some areas I am gaining it in clumps in other areas, most notably my nose and ears. My nose, in contrast to my forehead,  is a vortex sucking anything remebling a hair into it. A good friend of mine warned me of this process as you age, but like a ‘young buck’ I didn’t think it would apply to me. I thought no matter what I would be ammuned to this evolutionary process. This arrogance has cost me big time as I now spend more time grooming my nose and ear hair then I spend in the shower. I have more tools in my daily arsenal than a women’s hair salon in my daily war against my hair problem. Trimmers in all shapes and sizes combs of different strengths and colours and lotions of who knows whast all help me in my daily battle.

While deep down I realised this would happen to my body I have not been  prepared for the shame and embarassment that I have had to endure over the last couple of days. Twice in two days I have been soundly beaten by the younger generation. The reality is that the younger generation is now superior to me in most areas of life. First up in my humiliation I was soundly beaten in a short triathlon I took part in over the weekend. Now I am a fair sport and don’t mind losing every so often, however, I was beaten by students I teach at my school. They are 11 and 12 years old. I have run through a few reasons for this and there are a few excuses I could bring forward, but what would be the point. I was beaten soundly. As you can imagine this week has not been pleasant at my school. I have noticed the sly sniggers and laughs as I wander across the quad. I am aware of the talking behind my back. Beaten in a triathlon by your 12 year old students is not a way to develop your reputation within New Zealand’s schooling system.

The reality that I have had to face is that perhaps my skills are not as good as I believe they are. While I have only been a triathlete for a  year it seems I had over estimated myself. This was reinforced today when I logged onto the Stuff Webpage and found out they had selected the 10 bloggers for their ‘BLOG IDOL’ competition. Like my triathlon this was an event I entered eagerly with the thought that perhaps I may have a chance to do well in. Sadly, my 2 and a half years of blogging seems to have as useful and productive as farting into the wind. The contest asked contestants to write a 150 word blog entry. For someone with such a large vocabulary as me this was always going to be restrictive. I liken it to asking Dan Carter to play rugby for 5 minutes and judging him on that. Unfair. So I agonised over my piece of writing and even had someone proof read my work in an attempt to put my best foot forward. Sadly as I read what others have penned my best is woefully short. These writers are good. Witty, concise and funny. Sadly, I am a long way off their ability.

But as I reflect, and adjust another stray nose hair, I will try and look at the positives. As far as I can assume these 10 bloggers are just new bucks in the blogging game. They are writers and if they fail to win will have no reason to continue on with their blog. For them they are guided by fame and fortune, something I realised very quickly after starting this site I would not achieve. But I am guided by intrinsice blogging motivation. Take this post for example. I would bet that I only have 3 people who may get to reading this sentence ( by the way if you do leave a post to let me know). Therfore, I have spent the last 36 minutes writing something no one will read and fewer people will feel the need to comment on. Some people think this is a waste of time and they are probably the same people who think doing triathlons are a waste of time. For me I find enjoyment in both.

So I will continue with my blogging as well as my triathlon. It means that unlike many of the ‘BLOG IDOL’ contestants in 3 weeks time I will still be a blogger. With respect to my triathlon I will have to pick events my students wont be entering or do more training. My only other option is to take up gardening and I am not ready for that.

Con Vie

Welcome back to another Con Vie installment. For those unfamiliar with my posts each week I leave a question as a starter for conversation between readers. Destiny Church has been in the news this week more than the PM so this week I draw my question from Bishop Brian.

Is Destiny Church a church, an arm of the BTPF (Brian Tamkai Pension Fund), a political/social organisation or a cult? 

In breaking news Tauranga MP Simon Bridges is contemplating using famed social media networking gadget - TWITTER to reach out to more punters. The announcement on his Facebook page earlier today came as a surprise to most people in his electorate. But to close  followers of Bridges, including me – Ozy Mandias, this is no surprise. He has shown himself as an up and coming MP and someone who is not afraid to utilise the latest gadgets to his advantage.

On the plus side, Twitter is the obvious next step for Bridges. Considering he was named the 2nd sexist New Zealand MP last month, beaten only by token winner John Key, this is surely a logical progression. Furthermore all the great names in society have embraced Twitter including Obama, Britany Spears and even Homer Simpson so if it good enough for them then it is good enough for Bridges.

My only concern is that this move could alienate Bridges from his electorate. It is a well known fact that Tauranga is the home of the grey rinse, gold card and soggy carrots. Most of these people believe  ’Twitter’ is the term used to describe our last MP and don’t even own a computer. Added to this is the Telecom XT network that Bridges is most probably on being as reliable as an ashtray on a motorbike, moving to TWITTER could be a problem. Ultimately however, we all know that for Bridges to makes this new idea a success he has to provide something special to his readers. I suggest the following

- Live ‘Twittering from the Chamber’ and important meetings. Give us updates, personal opinions and gossip from the halls of power.

-Live Twittering about things we are interested in. Things like  – Guess what tie Mallard is wearing today? are much better than updates on changes to the Miners Unification Act 1892.

So all in all I am in favour of Bridges as he embarks on this new journey. I wish him the best and will be the first to sign up. In return I expect to be at the top of his best friends list. My user name is Ozymandiaswarn.

Well the 2010 Winter Games are over and they have been a success. The fitting finale was definitely the ice hockey final where Canada defeated the USA in an overtime thriller. But rather than gleefully looking back I would like to focus on the future and I think the Winter Olympics have shown the way for the Summer Olympics to expand, especially in relation to events.

The other day I watched with glee as a skier went round a fixed course and then had to stop and shoot a rifle with extreme accuracy. Fantastic. An event which tests the fitness ability of the athlete and then, in the same event, a completely different skill. The event was called the biathlon and is something I believe the Summer Games should look at developing.

 People would argue that we already have the Decathlon or the Heptathlon and that these events test athletes in a range of disciplines. Rubbish. What I would like to see is completely different events joined together to test fine motor skills and endurance at the same time. What about this for an example?  We could take the 5000m running race and bring in 4 stops within the race. At the first stop could be knitting, next up Mavis Beacon typing, the third stop would be peeling a potato and then finally changing a car tyre. Winner would be the first man home. Let’s see how good the Kenyans are now!!!

 I put this idea forward to a mate of mine at work and he wasn’t impressed. The reason being he had had a similar thought, although he was much better. He shared my thoughts on the decathlon and believed what was needed was an event called the centathlon at the next Summer Games. Based loosely on the idea behind the biathlon, the event would require every person to complete every Olympic event – from Archery to yachting and everything in between. To me this would be the ultimate sporting test. You might be the world Champion in 800m, but how good are you at horse riding or yachting. Dedicated your life to swimming may be helpful but you would have to start training for rhythmic gymnastics if you want to compete in the centathlon.

 My hope is that the success of the Winter Games serves as a catalyst for the next Summer Olympics to be held in London. Most importantly I hope we see a New Zealand athlete, compete in and be victorious in the centathlon.

Welcome back to another Con Vie installment. For those unfamiliar with my posts each week I leave a question as a starter for conversation between readers. This weeks question;

 What is the most useless thing you have ever bought?

A picture of the advert I have put in the Bay of Plenty Times.

For Christmas this year I received a book entitled ‘The Winner’s Bible’ by Kerry Spackerman. It is a book I read with gusto over the holiday period. Essentially it is a self help book designed to improve your life. As most of you will know if anyone needs help with their life it is me. Spackerman takes a different route to most self help books and this is what sets this book apart from others. He draws on knowledge from his work with high end sports people to provide activities to develop your personal potential. The key aspect of the book is the development your own personal Winners Bible which you read ever day as a motivational and focusing tool.

I enjoyed the book so much that I decided to put together my own Winners Bible. This involves identify the 4 pillars of your life, writing out a variety of goals and values and even putting together photo montages. An important part of your Winner’s Bible is an online audit where people anonymously answer questions about you, your strengths and weaknesses.

I asked a total of 20 people to spend about 5mnutes doing the audit for me. That was 2 weeks ago and at this stage I have had 3 friends sign up and write something for me. Disappointing. To add insult to injury yesterday I received an email from Winner’s Bible Inc with the following message.

Dear Mr Mandias

Your Audit on http://winnersbible.com has been open for 10 days which is the normal time we alow before the audit is closed. The audit comments about you are then compiled into a report for you to view.

Unfortunately you do not have a minimum of 4 people who have left comments for you and so we cannot compile your report yet. Even though 4 or more people may have registered to leave comments about you – less than 4 have actually left comments.

Despite your willingness to take part in the Winners Bible programme the fact you don’t have 4 people willing to say something about you means you probably have some social deficiencies. It also means that no matter what you do with your life you will never be a winner so we advise you to stop reading our book as it won’t help you.

We wish you success in finding a 4^th person who will write something about you. With this in mind we will keep your Audit open for as long as you like until you have a minimum of 4 Auditors. After that you can choose to close your Audit.

To help get the final comment needed you could do one of the following..

a)    Send a personal email to the friends you have invited and remind them to complete their comments about you.

b)    Find additional friends from somewhere to submit comments.         

c)    Make up comments yourself and pretend you have 4 friends.

d)   Pay someone to write something nice about you.

e)   Acknowledge that you don’t have 4 friends and give up.

Kind Regards,

Kerry Spackerman

The Winner’s Bible Team

p.s. don’t let the fact you don’t have 4 friends let you down. A recent poll in the United States found that the average person has only 6 close friends. This means you are pretty close to the average.

The Aussie Team. Success on the field has come at a cost and coach Neilson wants t see that change here in New Zealand.

The Aussie cricket team play their first game of the their tour of New Zealand tomorrow with coach Tim Neilson concerned the team hasn’t had much action off the field in the last two tours to Aotearoa. Speaking at Wellington airport yesterdayhe was happy with the Aussies build up against the West Indies and Pakistan and seemed more concerned with his players off the field shenanigans.

“To be honest, we haven’t had a huge amount of sex, the last two times we’ve travelled here,” he said. Nielsen then grimaced, forced a smile and continued. “We lost in 2007 and we might have even lost in 2005 so we’re looking to right the ship here on this tour and keep our run going.”

Ricking Ponting, the Australian captain, was even more scathing of his teams inability off the field. “After Shane Warne and his off field antics, nobody has really stood up taken his mantle. We had been grooming Andrew Simmons but he is no longer with us, so someone else will have to step.”

The TAB have the Aussie at mixed odds for the upcoming tour. On field they are the favourites but the Black Caps usually punch above their weight, especially in the short game. Off the field the odds are even more difficult to predict. With their first game in Wellington many locals believe the ‘blond’ Aussie look wont go down well with many locals preferring a more Polynesian man.  However, the TAB haven’t ruled out a strong start to the season, especially considering Wellington’s large cougar population.

Adding hurdles, timelimits and weight categories would be a way to improve the figure skating.

Personally I have enjoyed watching glimpses of the winter Olympics. The speed, skill and drama of any Olympics is an exciting visual spectacle. Despite my enjoyment there have been three aspects of the event that I have been less than impressed with.

Firstly, I will be honest and say that I have been extremely disappointed at the performance of the African Nations. Once again they have failed to win a medal at the Olympics despite having entire populations of black men. We all know that black men are better then white men at sport, yet despite the genetic advantage the African continent has remained medal less.  A quick look at the events and you will realise they are built for African men. The speed skating is similar to the Athletics and I don’t think there is an African man who doesn’t carry a gun so they should be good at the shooting. However, time and again it is the African nations bringing up the rear of the fields. One such example is Ghana’s alpine skier Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong, nicknamed “The snow-leopard” who wears his signature black and white leopard-print suit. He is a self-taught, self-funded skier who had not seen snow until his 20’s, which would explain his disappointing results when he spent most of his time build snowmen. He should be nicknamed the “Snowman.”

Next up on my concerns is the events at the Winter Games. In my book, any sport which requires a judge to determine a winner is not really a sport. Included in this list is gymnastics, diving, ice skating and many others. True sport is a battle against your opponent with speed, points, distance or strength. By bringing into the equation a judge you are opening the result up to debate and conjecture. This could easily be solved by just changing the rules slightly, especially in figure skating. In figure skating there should be a time limit where the person that completes the most maneuvers wins. Points could be added to the size of your partner and the distance you cover. This would add drama to the event. Imagine in the final round the Russian pair coming out and the man swapping his usual 63kg partner for a 130kg Russian belly dancer just to add to his points telly and snatch the gold from the cocky American pair.

Finally I would like to comment on the clothing that is worn. In in the Summer Games less clothing is seen as better. Take women’s beach volleyball for instance. Each player wears approximately 7sqcm of clothing,  and the rest is bronzed and oiled. However, in the Winter Games I have failed to see 7sq cm of skin in the entire 2 weeks of competition. The coolest sport at the Winter Games is the snowboarding. yet they are covered head to toe in baggy, unsporting clothing. I understand that it is a tad colder but even the speed skaters managed to wear a little lycra. I suppose that I am just a man and will never understand fashion.

40th birthdays are interesting affairs. They are different to normal social functions like 21^st and weddings where most participants want to be there. Instead 40th’s are a massive reminder that the years are starting to beat you, your body is waning and your mind is more forgetful. Therefore, the 40^th birthday is one of life’s difficult ages to celebrate. You don’t feel old but the reality is that as you look in the mirror there is sure signs of wear and tear.

I was fortunate enough to go to a 40^th birthday last night. I say fortunate because, apart from the waitresses, I was the youngest person in the room. A sprightly youth set amongst an aging crowd. It was also my first official 40^th where I was an invited friend. This is important because it now means my friends have bolted past the 21^st stage, negotiated the wedding stage and the 40^th birthday is the next milestone we all celebrate together. Thankfully my 40th is a number of years off, 9 years in fact.

Overall the party was a success. Held at the couple’s home there was a nice mixture of patrons and a platter of food delivered every few minutes. However, there are two aspects of the evening I would like your opinion on.

Firstly, do you have a shower outside? The reason I ask this is that they had a shower outside, beside their hot-tub. Now this was no simple Saturday afternoon tap shower.  This was an exclusive Italian design, complete with sliding mixer, a seat and the nozzle on the end of a long chain which means you can move the spray around your body parts without even moving. Pure luxury.

Now at the beach I see the relevance of a shower to rinse off the sand before going inside. But these people live 10km from the closest beach. Why the need for outdoor shower then? Curious I asked a number of party goers but none could provide me with a satisfactory answer. Then last night as I lay in bed it struck me. The only real answer is that our newly turned 40 year old couple are closet naturists. Some people like clothing around their body, whereas these people prefer to go 100% natural. They like nothing better than to do the ‘Adam and Eve’ whenever they get home, in the weekend or during the holidays. This would confirm a suspicion I have held for a long time but have not been able to verify. The man in question always likes to communicate via text and is always warning me to call before you drop around. Added to that I have noticed he has an exceptional all-over tan and a rather high, all enclosed front fence. Individually these things wouldn’t usually add up to being ‘one with nature’ but together they form a pretty conclusive case.

The second issue I would like to raise is that of Party Games. On the way to the party I was asked by my wife “Will there be any game there tonight.”

As the party was for a work colleague I knew he wasn’t into touchy group games. Well so I thought. It turns out, and this is a common theme with naturalists, that he loves nothing better than grouping complete strangers together and having them perform strange tasks. Fortunately, it was just a general knowledge quiz which meant I was a sought after commodity due to my vast range of general knowledge. Suddenly, those who had been commenting negatively about my shirt where closest to my side, begging for me to be in their team.  For some reason when I do general knowledge quizzes I win. I am not bragging, just stating the facts. Last night was the same.

Sadly though this was an ill thought through quiz and I am still miffed about one of the answers in my speciality areas, sport. One of the questions was

Name the athletic event, apart from the decathlon, that men do but women don’t?

Being an expert in Olympic history this was and easy one and  I put forward the answer of 110m Hurdles. I was gobsmacked that the official answer was the 50km walk, which I would also acknowledge as correct. I said nothing about this obvious wrong answer but I noticed a few people like me shaking their heads in bewilderment. If you are going to do a quiz, get the questions and answer right.

So as I have said the party was a success but personally I went home under a cloud. Once in bed I couldn’t sleep as my mind checked off all the reasons why a family would have an Italian shower in their back lawn and if women competed in the 110m hurdles. Happily at 3am when I had worked out my friend was a naturist I got up and searched the Olympic website and found that women only compete in the 100m hurdles. From then I a slept soundly.

Welcome back to another Con Vie installment. For those unfamiliar with my posts each week I leave a question as a starter for conversation between readers. This weeks question;

 What would be your favourite job?