Kiwi Kids Books

Well it is 5:30pm and it is still stinking hot here in the Bay of Plenty. I have just peeled my skin off our leather lounge suite, leaving a nice sweaty pool of perspiration for the next person and made my way to the computer. Sweat is still everywhere and I am just hot and sticky all over.

I don’t know what you think about the weather but I feel torn between two extremes. On the one hand I love the summer months. The beach, bbq’s and the long evenings are just what we long for in the long winter months. But when this weather finally arrives we all secretly hope for a spell of rain. We are as bad as the whinging British!!!
So I am loathed to complain because I just picture myself on June the 19th down at Ferguson Park freezing to death and realise being hot is far better than being cold.

For me the worst part of this weather is trying to get to sleep. Firstly, finding bed clothing that is appropriate is not easy. Cotton is a man’s best friend they say down at Halenstines. What they should really say is that cotton sticks to you in places cotton shouldn’t. Equally as frustrating as cotton is silk.

With Valentines Day approaching silk boxers will be paraded as a must have. Sadly though from my experience any semblance of moisture or perspiration will cause this garment to cling like water to glad wrap and the results, even with limited imagination, is not pleasing.
Many men therefore, go naked to bed in these hot summer days. To be honest it is the best and most satisfying option. I used to do this but an unfortunate incident with an early morning call from the power meter reader while living in Scotland has given me a mild phobia when doing this. In fact I can’t get to sleep as I become paranoid that tonight would be the night we are burgled or we have to rush out of our house due to fire. Added to this is the fact that our children sometimes wake in the night and it is usually my job to settle them. Waking in the middle of the night can be traumatic for young children. Having me coming to comfort them naked actually only adds to the trauma.

Once you have managed to work out the best system for you there is then the task of working out how much of the sheets need to cover you. This is where most martial strife begins. For some reason God in his wisdom gave women and men completely different internal thermometers. Women like the bed toasty warm while men like the feeling of being unrestricted and one with nature. In our family this results in our night times becoming a giant tug of war as I throw the sheets off and Rachel sends them back my way.

Once this is finally sorted there is the art of actually getting to sleep. In hot weather I like to lie on my rock hard abs, face down. I also like to lie completely still. In fact I lye so still the other day Rachel actually thought I was dead. The reason for this is simple. In this heat any bodily motion causes my sweat glands to function and monumental capacity and within minutes I have sweat beads racing down various areas of my body and pooling in the sheets.
While I like to lie still my wife prefers the rhythmic gymnastic approach to getting to sleep. There will be sudden movement followed by prolonged periods of stillness….and then a quick summersault and then more stillness. This process can continue for up to ten minutes as shevtries to find her perfect sleep position. I have actually thought of adding music to her routine then secretly filming it and sending it off to the New Zealand Gymnastic Federation. I am sure she could have a chance for the next Commonwealth Games.

The reality is that it is stinking hot at the moment and rumours are the weather forecasters are predicting this to continue for sometime. Yesterday I heard that it was 100% humidity in Auckland. I find this a little hard to understand. Humidity is water vapour in the air. If it was at 100% then wouldn’t we all be swimming???

A little search on Wikipedia and I found this information

Relative humidity is the ratio of the current absolute humidity to the highest possible absolute humidity (which depends on the current air temperature). A reading of 100 percent relative humidity means that the air is totally saturated with water vapor and cannot hold any more, creating the possibility of rain. This doesn’t mean that the relative humidity must be 100 percent in order for it to rain — it must be 100 percent where the clouds are forming, but the relative humidity near the ground could be much less.

So in actual fact when humidity reaches 100 per cent the air is completely saturated and sweat cannot evaporate from skin. Most of the time this results in rain.

Like most information this makes absolutely no difference to my current situation. I am still stinking hot and sweating like the proverbial pig. Tomorrow will be the same and so will the next day. So for the next few days you and I will be living in an open sauna with the rest of the north island. I hope you enjoy it as much as me.