Welcome back to another Con Vie installment. For those unfamiliar with my posts each week I leave a question as a starter for conversation between readers. This weeks question;

 What ’sport’ is not really a sport?

I am sure that the other day you received a personal letter from our Prime Minister, John Key. The letter was an introduction into the new learning standards which must be implemented in schools this year. Personally this was the first letter I have received from John Key and I was very excited and I have therefore sent a reply back to him about the new standards. For your interest I have included the letter below.

Dearest Mr John Key

Thanks for the heartfelt letter I received in the post the other day. As fate would have it happen it was also the same day that you announced that 30% of teachers were useless and not fit for teaching. Being a teacher of 7 years I wondered if you included me in this number. As I had taken off early and left work at 4:00pm I assume you probably did.

John, I am a supporter of National Standards as a principle. I believe if they are used correctly they would provide a good framework that could benefit students as they progress through primary school. I would even advocate a national test at Year 8 as I think this would benefit students. However, as they currently stand I am not a fan of the standards you are attempting to implement. To me they seem to be ill thought through, implemented quickly and without any vision for the future.

Firstly, Mr Key, I see very little difference in the National Standards to what many schools are currently doing for their assessment. If you look at the new requirements many schools are providing much more information to their communities through the current reporting system. However, if you look at the letter people received the other day you would think you have reinvented the wheel and are trying to trick everyone into believing it was your idea. I feel you are misleading the people of New Zealand.

An important fact which I believe many parents fail to understand is that there is no one assessment that is used to determine if a student is reaching the new National Standards. This means it is left up to teacher’s judgement to determine where kids sit on the levels. Perhaps we should look at the Year 7 Reading Standard as an example. The standard states that

By the end of year 7, students will read, respond to, and think critically about texts in order to meet the reading demands of the New Zealand Curriculum as they work towards level 4. Students will locate, evaluate, and synthesise information and ideas within and across a range of texts appropriate to this level as they generate and answer questions to meet specific learning purposes across the curriculum.

Compare this to the expectation that the National Standards have with Year 8.

The difference in the standard for year 8 is the students’ increased accuracy and speed in reading a variety of texts from across the curriculum, their level of control and independence in selecting strategies for using texts to support their learning, and the range of texts they engage with. In particular, by the end of year 8, students need to be confidently and deliberately choosing the most appropriate strategies for reading in different learning areas.

So how does a teacher work out the difference between someone working at the year 7 standard or the year 8 standard? Well according to the Ministry website

“Teachers will use a range of assessments to make an overall teacher judgment to work out where each child is at, what their next learning steps are and to set goals.”

Basically as a teacher I have to use my professional judgment and rank students against the National Standards. Ironically this is what I am already doing against the achievement objectives within the curriculum. I will have to be able to justify my judgments, but, at the end of the day it is still a call based on opinion and not facts.

Do you really think that there is going to be a fair Standard across all of New Zealand if we leave it up to teachers to decide what level students are working at?

So your promotion that the National Standards will bring about greater information about where your child is working at is not true. Essentially we are doing the same thing as we have always done but you have sugar coated the outside just to keep people happy.

You also stated in your letter that as a teacher I am able to use plain language reports. This apparently means I can use straight forward language and I don’t have to ‘sugar coat’ my words or phrases. This is fantastic;

“Cody has had an awful start to the year. He is an obnoxious in class and has few friends. He seldom comes to school but when he does he does he has no lunch and is working well below the Year 3 standard for reading, writing, (except graffiti which he excels in) and Mathematics.”

This was actually my toned down version. My first draft I called the Honi Harawera and included some differentiated adjectives. Is this the kind of reporting you had in mind Don? Plain language reporting in my view is just another laying of sugar you are coating on our education system. It might look good to the masses but it wont change much

I am also concerned about where the National Standards will go. There have been rumours that you will force schools to publicize their results or even use the results to identify under performing teachers. I do hope that you think very carefully before you go down this track. Our current system is far from perfect but implementing something similar to league tables, I believe, will have devastating effects on many schools, communities and teachers. It hasn’t worked overseas so what makes you think it would work here?

Mr Key I would like to finish with two final points. To me they are the most important and I hope you take them on board. Firstly, you seem to think that the National Standards will help students. I can tell you now, and I would happily put my house on it if you put your Hawaii beach house up, that New Zealand will have the same educational problems and be reaching the same educational standards in 10 years time. To me National Standards could be good in a few years time. Before that there are other strategies and policies that should be in place before these are attempted. I sometimes wonder if the people who make policy in New Zealand have been within an ants willy of a classroom, so strange are their ideas. Don have you spent extended time in a low decile school and seen the rubbish that many of those teacher have to put up with daily? Have you been to a small rural schools and seen the limited resources that they have to work with? A little time invested at all levels of education in New Zealand may surprise you with many of the good work being done and the REAL issues many have to deal with.  

Second up on my list of frustrations is your leadership and the leadership of your wing lady Anne Tolley. To me leadership is about imparting your vision onto the people you lead. It is about inspiring those who work around you to follow you. As a teacher who essentially follows your lead it would be nice to have some vision, guidance and honesty about where you are heading with New Zealand’s education system. Honest answer around league tables, funding and standards would be a nice beginning. I might not agree with your answers but at least I would have the opportunity to hear your vision and where you believe education is heading. It is from that point that I think robust debate and

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my ranting Mr Key. In reference to your comment about under performing teachers I have taken note and am about to do a little prep for my classes next week, on a Saturday.

Yours sincerely

Ozy Mandias

With all the media hype about a new flag for New Zealand I thought I would get involved in designing something that is a little more representative of who we are as people. Incidently, life would be more rewarding if the media were so excited about true journalism, the injustices of the world and my blog as they are about a silly new flag.

Anyway as I have said I wanted something that would represent us as New Zealanders. We have a British history so I have therfore kept the Union Jack in the corner. This also reminds us how far we have come as a nation.  However, our summer has been so poor I have yet to see the southern cross so I have got photoshop that out of the new design. In its place are pictures of the four pillars of New Zealand society – Beer, Sport, Beach and Sheep. To ensure that the Treay of Waitangi is acknowledge in my flag, my picture of a beach doubles as a seabed and foreshore.

While these four pictures represent our pillars, what draws all New Zealanders together is our dislike of Australia and Australian. Therefore, I have put a statement from one of our previous Prime Ministers that will certainly draw all New Zealanders together.  As a sportsman I could think of nothing more inspiring than reading those words before an important sporting contest.

oh dear!! This was similiar to the kiss at the wedding in the weekend.

Another wedding in the weekend and the pressure builds for Ozy Mandias to write another blog on the event. At yesterdays traditional ‘post wedding BBQ’ I was fielding calls left, right and center about my impending article. Talk about pressure. However, I rest in the knowledge that when you have two people like we had in the weekend getting married material is never hard to find.

Right from walking into the beautiful St Mary’s church this wedding had a special feeling. Officiating proceedings we had a tag team of ministerial powers, something which seems to be common nowadays. First into the ring was Leo the Lion dressed in the shiniest suit I have every seen. He opened proceedings well and then tagged in his partner. Immediately I could tell this was a woman not to be messed with. You don’t wear rainbow colours like that and lack self confidence, nor a sharp tongue. She concluded the service nicely, taking a record 15minutes to complete the signing of the registry. I think she included her skype username, facebook address and twitter account details!!! However, she did blot her copy book slightly by forcing Jason the groomsman to clean up the pool of sweat that he left on the alter following the service.

Most of the crowd actually missed Jason sweating during the service as he pretended he was crying, but he didn’t fool me. Talking to Jason afterwards he had this exclusive comment to the Ozy Mandias Warning Blog;

“The vows were so moving I actually felt a tingle down my spine, I then realised it was sweat. I don’t know about the other men in the wedding party but it was a strange experience. I could feel the bead of sweat being conceived at the top of my neck, slide down my back, negotiate my crack, progress down my left leg, pick up a few friends behind my knee and almost be a torrent of salty water as it pooled on the floor.”

One more comment needs to be made on the service and that was the first kiss between the happy couple. The first kiss is the pinnacle of any wedding ceremony. The formalities are completed, the legal requirements ticked off and everyone is ready to relax and celebrate. The kiss symbolizes the first connection between the married couple.  I will attempt to recreate the situation and paint the best possible picture for those that weren’t there.

Reverend Rainbow had just finished writing her details in the registry. The bridesmaids were back in place and the groom and bride where now centre stage holding hands. Jason shuffled awkwardly in the background as another bead of sweat headed southward. The congregation waited in anticipation as the Rainbow Reverend put aside her book and tried to smile at the young lovers.

“Now the time you two have been waiting for.”

The music started to play in the back ground as the lighting was lowered. Amazingly, a single, golden ray of Christchurch sun shone through one of the many stained glass windows illuminating the couple. It seemed as if God himself had broken into the world and orchestrated this moment with his own hands. Perfection.

“You may kiss the bride.” Were the words uttered as Reverend Rainbow stepped back to shun the limelight for the first time since Thursday night. Women gazed, anticipating the connection of lips, many starting to shed a tear, happy to be part of such a spiritual moment. Men nodded with sly grins, watching, hoping, and remembering their own marriage kiss.

The bride leaned forward, eyes closed…anticipating. The congregation leaned slightly forward, joining with the bride’s anticipation. The world was in slow motion and then the groom started his move. Slowly he tilted his head and bent down towards his beautiful bride savoring this God given moment and then out of the blue he just opened his eyes and gave her a peck on the lips.

Reverend Rainbow and Leo the Lion were both gob smacked. I was equally baffled as I see more action doing my lunchtime duty at my coed secondary school than I just witnessed with my own eyes. The congregation looked around, speechless. Jason used this brief uncertainty in the crowd to adjust his sweaty nether regions.

To be honest the rest of the day was pretty much normal wedding fodder. The function, held at Annies Wine Bar, was sensational. The evening was expertly developed by a Shem Banbury who held the evening together like superglue. He was everything a MC should be funny, compassionate and friendly. I would recommend him for your next wedding.

Another highlight was an innovative lollie bar that the bride had developed for the reception. Imagine your own personal pick’n’mix without the horrendous pricing and this is what we had. It was fantastic and the only problem was half the people at the reception were Dutch. Nothing wrong with Dutch people but given the opportunity to take anything for free and they are like dogs with a bone. When I finally got to the lollie bar it was a bare tree stripped of all its leaves.

It would be remiss of me not to mention one final point in this written dribble. I am actually related to the groom and so therefore I would like to comment briefly on the family that he is marrying into. You will have heard of the Dutch Dirkzes family from Christchurch. I can state this without hesitation because they are without equal the loudest family in Christchurch. You may not have meet them but you would have heard them. They are so loud the Christchurch City Council has a bylaw require they family to live beside the railway line so they at least have competition 7 times a day as the train rumbles passed.

So it will be interesting to see how our wee groom handles life in such a noisy environment. My advice would be at any further family functions to mix with the Bride’s Papa who at 96 years of age was a breath of inspiration at the Sunday barbeque. His beautiful GRACE was moving and capped off a great weekend. Furthermore, at 96 years of age he still drives a manual and most importantly he does mind a minute or two of silence in between the trains rumbling passed.

 Tonight we have the Scot Andy Murray playing Roger Federer. The pretender verses the King. Who will win. Watching with me, Sportkiwi, and helping with comments we have Rossco and Terminator. Both with years of TV sport watching experience.

Welcome back to another Con Vie installment. For those unfamiliar with my posts each week I leave a question as a starter for conversation between readers. This weeks question;

 What is your favourite breakfast cereal?

Steve Jobs showing off the new ipad to the 2000 media at todays launch.

Steve Jobs has just unveiled the latest Apple product with the unveiling of their new ipad. This new product, within the women’s sanitary line, is a bold move by apple who have been strong in the electronics market for sometime.

Jobs announced the new ipad as a revolution in this very tough market. The ipad is designed to be the world’s most luxurious pad for women.

“The design of this latest pad is sensational. It is bigger than most conventional pads but we think the re is a market for this product, especially in the United States. It includes what we call an Intel duo processor which whisks moisture away with the simple press of a button. We have also added the ability to download applications that can be added to your pad”.

The idea of applications for the ipad is clearly a development on the success of the iphone applications. The iphone has seen over 5 million downloads in pointless ‘life enhancers’ in 2010 alone. Some of the applications already in the ipad include wings  on the side, a comfort level indicator, water proofer  and a ‘handle enhancer’ which enables your ipad to be used as a parachute if you ever need one. Jobs hinted in today’s’ presentation that Apple expect over 10,000 applications for the ipad in the next 12 months. The mind boggles with this thought.   

The move is a courageous move from Apple who have never ventured into the sanitary line before and the move has had mixed reaction from market analysts.

Brenda Downing, the spokesperson for Carefree-  the market leader in tampons in New Zealand, was cautious about another player in the market.“Clearly Apple have had success in the computer area. It will be interesting to see how their new product goes with consumers. Personally I have never been a fan of Apple after a downloading a nasty virus last year.” Apple were quick to downplay the idea of any computer virus some getting into the new ipad. Something which grew giggles from the 2000 media at today’s launch

The ipad goes on sale in New Zealand later this month and can be available at all leading supermarkets  in the usual isle.

Having recently returned from the UK, I have spent the last couple of weeks starting the job hunt in New Zealand – which makes me unemployed. Now if anyone is considering this lifestyle choice – I would definitely recommend January as the month to first try it out. The sun is shining, lots of cricket to watch and BBQ’s are the flavor of the month.

Over the last few days my mornings have been spent job hunting, while in the afternoons I reward myself with a walk to the beach. Now this is where things get interesting. You would expect the beach to be relatively quiet on a Monday and Tuesday afternoon – but it is packed! And not with people who look like they are on holiday. I can only assume they are unemployed like me, which means either the unemployment rate of 6.5% is grossly understated, or the majority of those 6.5% were on the same beach as me. Or perhaps these people just had the best job in the world – and I was very tempted to do a little survey to find out.

Sitting on the beach in the middle of a work day has proven to be quite a comical experience. In the last couple of days I have seen a geriatric man who doesn’t seem to have a problem with his togs ending up on his ankles every time a wave comes in, a teenager trying to drown his dog (it took him quite a while to realize it couldn’t swim), a ‘body surfer’ who liked catching the worst waves at the worst time and ending up with the worst earache (surprise surprise).

It reminds me of a castle we were visiting when in Czech a couple of months ago. The price list when through the various groups of people entitled to discounted entry – senior citizens, students and then lastly ‘unemployed’. An interesting concept but only useful if you can say ‘I am unemployed’ in Czech – we opted for the easy option and paid full price!

And now – after an interview this morning it is time for my afternoon swim and to see what my fellow unemployed citizens are doing.

A couple spooning each other on board an Air NZ flight. Once a NO NO now this will be the norm in cuddle class.

Air New Zealand has just announced a new seating configuration which turns normal seats into a bed. This new innovation seems fantastic for anyone who has ever endured a long haul flight. But once you actually see the new seats and you will soon realise that ‘cattle class’ has been transformed into ‘cuddle class’.

Ozy will go out on a limb here and say that the new seats were designed by a woman. If not a woman it must be a man named Dominic, pronounced with a lisp, if you get my drift. Cuddling is a woman thing, and that since the dawn of civilisation men have struggled to understand this action.

The new innovation is called the ‘skycouch’ which will not only give you the ability sleep but will also burn an extra hole in your pocket as you have to purchase the adjoining seat.

I will be interested to see how the ‘skycouch’ goes. On the one hand it will be popular with middle aged women hoping for a little ‘cuddle action’ with their husbands. Alternatively, I can see it having the opposite effect on male travellers as they will; do anything to avoid 12 hours of cuddling with their wife or partner.

I have thought long and hard about this and to my male readers I will let you in on a secret. Unless they have reconfigured the seat belts, which I’m sure Dominic wanted, the only way to avoid the cuddle is if the seat belt sign is on.

That means that the captain’s announcement to return to your seat, which was once the frustration of every traveller, will be greeted with cheers from the men and despair from the women.

“ Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Gibbons here, the seatbelt sign has now been turned on as we may be about to experience some turbulence. Please return to your seat, make sure your seats are upright and your seat belt is fastened.”

‘Sorry love, was enjoying our cuddle but Captain says there is turbulence on the way, better put the ‘skycouch’ away.

“But this is the third time we have had to get this thing out and then put it away again and we aren’t even half way. There doesn’t even seem to be any turbulance”

“I know honey, all that wasted money and we can’t even sleep. Don’t worry we will get the skycouch out when the seat belt sign is off again.”

“Excuse me, Airhostess, here is $20. Can you pass it on to the pilot, he knows what the drill is.”

In conlcusion there is some great news about the new upgrade from Air New Zealand. Watch the video below advertising the new setup and look carefully at the 50second mark. Gone is the normal airline food – Air New Zealand is now serving Mc Donalds burgers. Check for yourself – the burger looks exactly like a Big Mac. Furthermore you can just order drinks via your TV screen. Now maybe a little cuddle action is not too big a price for McDonalds for lunch and all for the coke you want.

Today is the 26th January and is AUSTRALIA DAY. Despite loathing Australians I am a fan of Australia Day as it reminds me of one of our greatest cricketing victories against the old foe. Today let us remeber Australia, as we should, be reflecting on one of our great victories over them

On the 26th January 2002 the Black Caps beat Australia for the 3rd consecutive time. In this match it was the express pace of Shane Bond which bought about the great victory. Oh to have Bond back later this summer when we try and repeat 2002.

2002 scorecard

To finish off today lets have a couple of Aussie jokes to cheer us up

An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say “I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!”
The englishman sits up and simply say “She’ll be right, mate”

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”